Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
#catsoftwitter
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends