Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
You Might Also Like
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”