My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
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If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
this is what they would have looked like, though