Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.