I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
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I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds