Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
You Might Also Like
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
my professor scared me for a second
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
A game married people play.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
socratic questions
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication