I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.