Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
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*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
my astrological sign is a french fry
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies