*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
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the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
his wife is probably gonna see that
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?