*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.