Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
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I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.