Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Has science gone too far?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
your honor my client chooses dare
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.