[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
i guess his teacher was really pissed
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator