the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
how to have fun when you’re poor
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi