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I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I came this close!!!!
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.