My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Okay
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Swedish for common sense.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.