“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
how to exercise your calf muscles
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!