If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
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The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
john wicks are toilet candles
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Cats (2019)
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.