I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
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those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.