I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.