My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
How to wake up a Beagle
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.