“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound