thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Human are so complicated
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Batman v Dracula
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee