[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck