Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
absolute chaos
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
same vibe as tangled headphones
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks