Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.