In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
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Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina