The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush