Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
This pepper has seen some shit
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
*lint rolls you awake*
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!