Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Here’s a meme
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird