when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
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Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I hope they boil the right one.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
When they try to steal your moment.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.