Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.