man i love columbo
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do