Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
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i can’t wait that long
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.