[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
He’s dead
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
three things we don’t talk about
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*