If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*seductively corrects your posture*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.