Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Sounds like a bargain
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*