Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
The little toadstool has spoken.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
saving face 👀
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.