Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.