I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
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Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…