Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
You Might Also Like
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.