[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
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Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
This could be us… but you playing
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit