watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
2 years later
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.