Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus