stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?