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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.