-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I unironically love this joke.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
dads on road-trips be like
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27