*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling