If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
podcasts
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?