I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
i can’t wait that long
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Human are so complicated
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.